


The worst way to deal with anger management

by Multifandom_damnation



Category: The Morganville Vampires - Rachel Caine
Genre: Anger Management, Childhood Memories, Childhood Trauma, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Past Character Death, Past Child Abuse, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Medication, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-26
Updated: 2019-03-26
Packaged: 2019-11-28 14:11:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18209369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Multifandom_damnation/pseuds/Multifandom_damnation
Summary: “Guys, I’m telling you.” Eve paced around the lounge room while they waited for the sun to set and Theo to arrive. “He’s been acting strange for so long and now he’s locked himself away in his room for a week! I haven’t seen him come out to eat or pee or shower or anything! This is just crazy.”“I’m sure he’s… fine,” Claire said gently. “He’s probably just not feeling well. You know how he feels about being weak.”“You don’t get it, Claire. You only see what he wants you to see. At the beginning of the week, I watched him get sucker punched by a group of guys who spilt his coffee all over the table and he just stood up and walked away! He didn’t even yell at them much less throw a punch! Oh and the coffee he ordered? Was a latte!”“We should talk about it when Theo gets here,” Michael repeated head down.They didn’t have to wait long because soon there was a rapid, short knock on their door and Eve opened it with a sigh. “You said it was an emergency.” Theo turned to face Michael, “And what constitutes this house call as an emergency?”Michael cleared his throat as he led Theo to Shanes room. "I’ve been smelling blood for some time now."





	The worst way to deal with anger management

**Author's Note:**

> I spent way too long patching together that summary for a stupid self-indulgent fic that nobody is ever going to read. If you're one of three people who give a fuck about this fandom anymore- thanks for reading.

It was Eve that had insisted that they called Dr Theo Goldman over once Shane had spent another day locked in his room and Claire diligently dialled up his number and called him over.

“Guys, I’m telling you.” Eve paced around the lounge room while they waited for the sun to set and Theo to arrive. She kept her voice low but no less frantic.  “He’s been acting strange for so long and now he’s locked himself away in his room for a week! I haven’t seen him come out to eat or pee or shower or anything! This is just crazy.”

“I’m sure he’s… fine,” Claire said gently. Honestly, she was just as worried as Eve was if not more, bus she wasn’t going to say that. She was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. “He’s probably just not feeling well. You know how he feels about being weak.”

Eve shook her head as she walked up to Claire, grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her vigorously. “You don’t get it, Claire. You only see what he wants you to see. At the beginning of the week, I watched him get sucker punched by a group of guys who spilt his coffee all over the table and he just stood up and walked away! He didn’t even yell at them much less throw a punch! Oh and the coffee he ordered? Was a _latte_!”

That was so unlike the Shane she knew that Claire didn’t know what to say in response to that but thankfully Michael came down the stairs and spared her from answering. “He’s in there,” He announced softly, defeated. “But the door’s locked and I think he might have pushed his dresser in front of it. Whatever it is, I don’t want to open it until Theo arrives.” There was a tense worry on his face and it didn’t bode well in any circumstances.

“Is there… something you’re not telling us?” Claire asked softly and by the way Michael flinched she knew she hit the nail on the head. “What is it?”

“We should talk about it when Theo gets here,” Michael repeated head down.

They didn’t have to wait long because soon there was a rapid, short knock on their door and Eve opened it with a sigh. Theo rushed in and Eve closed the door behind him as he took off his wide-brimmed hat and long overcoat and laid them over the back of the couch. “You’re here.” Claire blinked in surprise. “We weren’t expecting you until tonight.” Which was true- the sun was still high in the sky.

“You said it was an emergency.” Theo turned to face Michael, who was fidgeting with the edge of his shirt where he stood. “Where is he?”

“Up here, follow me,” Michael turned and lead the way up the stairs with Theo following close behind him and after a moment's hesitation, the girls followed suit. “I thought it would be better if we waited for you.”

“And what constitutes this house call as an emergency?” Theo asked. He was trying to be clinical, Claire thought, but there was still a thick undertone of barely concealed worry in his voice. Like Oliver had a soft spot for Eve, Claire suspected that the same thing must be true for Theo and Shane.

Michael cleared his throat as he led Theo to Shanes room. “He’s locked himself up there for the better part of the week,” he stopped in front of Shane door with his arms crossed and leant against the wall. “And… I’ve been smelling blood for some time now but I haven’t wanted to… invade his privacy. I know he’s in there but he won’t speak to anyone.”

Theo raised his eyebrows and behind him, Claire and Eve gaped up at Michael in surprise and dismay. To his credit, Michael avoided their gaze. “Well,” Theo said haltingly after he took a moment to digest the information. “That does, in its right, constitutes an emergency.” He turned to Shanes closed door and knocked sharply on the wood. “Shane? It’s Dr Theo Goldman, I would like to speak with you if that’s alright.”

There was no answer from the room and Theo glanced to Michael. As Eve and Claire raced up the stairs to join the vampires on the landing, Michael swooped them into a tight hold that could have been a hug if he wasn’t so tense as Theo placed his shoulder against the wood and gave an almighty heave. There was the sound of the wooden dresser scrapping against the floor as it moved and slowly the door inched open.

When the door was fully opened, Theo stood in the open space and drew in a sharp intake of breath. The others rushed up beside him, Michael had to keep a tighter hold on Claire to stop her from toppling over.

Shane sat on the bed, shirtless and with his belt unbuckled with a set of heavy headphones over his ears, the music so loud that it could be heard by the people standing at the door. The TV was on but he wasn’t watching it, instead focusing on the blinds drawn over the dark window. The room would have been entirely devoid of light until Theo opened the door and light spilled in from the hallway. Around the room, pictures of a young woman who looked vaguely like Shane were tapped up on the walls, some of which had burn marks on the corners. The bin was full of protein bar wrappers with some of the contents still contained inside, half-eaten and discarded. Plastic water bottles filled with yellow liquid that nobody wanted to mention were peeking out from under the bed and empty containers filled with unknown medication were sitting on his bedside table. In his hand was a long-bladed hunting knife with a silver edge and a wooden handle and carved into the flesh of his arms and bare sides were long, bleeding wounds, fresh and raw. He didn’t seem to notice them as the door opened and the dresser was moved out of the way.

Claire seemed about to break free of Michael’s suddenly slack hold and bolt into the room towards her boyfriend but Theo entered the room with that creepy vampire speed and slammed and locked the door behind him before she could make it. Eve bolted down the stairs and after a moment Michael numbly followed after her until it was just Claire standing on the landing alone. She contemplated reaching out and turning the handle but she knew it would do her no good. She could hear Theo’s low, even voice through the door and so slowly, Claire followed her friends down the stairs.

When she entered the living room she was met with a sobbing Eve held in Michael’s arms as she pounded at his chest. Michael wore a blank, confused expression and Claire felt somewhat sorry for him if she wasn’t already feeling like a terrible person herself. “I told you there was something wrong!” Eve sobbed. “I knew it and you told us there was nothing to worry about but you could smell blood and you never said anything!”

“I didn’t want to scare you,” Michael whispered into his hair, voice audibly shaking. “Hell Eve, it scared me. And there wasn’t anything I could do. I wasn’t sure how much blood there was and I didn’t want to risk losing control like that.”

While they spoke, Claire sat heavily on the couch and brought a hand to her mouth. So many thoughts and feelings and fears were whizzing about in her head that the only thought that she found herself able to voice was the image of the little girl with brown hair and sharp cheekbones and a fierce glint in her eyes. “Who was that woman?” They turned to look at her. “The one in the pictures on his wall?”

Michael took a deep, stabilizing breath before he spoke. “That’s Allyssa.” Eve pulled away from Michael and fisted her hands in her hair. “I didn’t think he had that many photos of her- most of them I’ve never seen before and I was around when it happened.”

“I don’t know how they survived the fire,” Eve said. “Nothing else did so I’m not sure how flammable paper had any chance.”

Claire leant back against the couch and hid her face in her hands. “What have we done?” _What have I done?_

“We didn’t know,” Michael said gently as he and Eve moved over to join her on the couch. Eve sat beside her and pulled her into a tight hug. Michael crouched down on the floor before her and touched a light hand to her knee. “But now we do and we’re going to do everything in our power to be there for him, no matter how much he pushes us away. Theo is up there with him no, so they’re going to have a chat and then Theo is going to tell us exactly what we need to do to fix this.”

Tears were streaming freely and unbridled down her face now and Claire didn’t have the energy to stop them. “But what if we’re too late to fix it?”

* * *

  Theo Goldman was one of the vampires in Morganville who had lived a very long time and had been a doctor since before even then, and yet he couldn’t remember a time when he had a case as drastic as Shane’s. He held the knife loosely in his hand but yet gripped it like it was an extension of himself to Theo moved to the bed slowly as to not give Shane any reason to use it. “Hello again, Shane,” He said gently as he sat on the other end of Shane’s bed. “It’s been a little while. I had thought that our time together was proving promising results but I’m afraid I was wrong.”

Shane didn’t react to his words, didn’t even seem to know he was there, so Theo reached over and took the headphones off of his head. Blinking, Shane turned to him and frowned. “We didn’t have an appointment today.” He said bluntly like it was obvious.

“No, we did not, but your friends called me over regarding some… concerns about your welfare.” Theo spoke in a low, even tone and hoped that Shane wouldn’t do anything rash.

It was then that Shane glanced around the room and saw the scrapes on the floor from where Theo had shoved the dresser out of the way to enter and he frowned at the marks. “You’re going to have to pay for that. Michael hates it when we scuff up the floors and don’t clean it and I don’t want to take the blame for something I didn’t do.”

“Are you usually taking the blame for things you didn’t do?”

“I always take the blame. For everything. Whether I do it or not.”

Theo pursed his lips because he knew that in reality, it was true. “And do you… take the blame for what happened to your sister?” Because that much was blindingly obvious- his failure to save her from that fire was literally plastered up on the walls, _bearing_ his soul to the world to see his failures.

“Who else is there to blame?” Shane said and the absolute devoid emotion in his voice was what worried Theo the most. That, and the deep, self-inflicted wounds in his skin. “I can’t blame Monica because everyone knows that she just got off scot-free even though we all know she should be rotting away in a jail cell, so the only person left is me. So yeah- it’s my fault for not getting her out when I had the chance.”

There were so many things wrong with that statement that Theo didn’t know where to start, so he didn’t. “And is there a reason you have that knife out? And would it happen to be the same reason that it’s coated in blood?”

Shane, as if finally realizing he was holding it, gently brought it in two hands and ran his fingers delicately over it. “Dad gave this to her when we were just starting to learn how to hunt vamps,” Shane said and Theo didn’t take it personally. It was part of his history- one he was surprised Shane was devolving at all. Something was seriously not right. “We would practice together until dad gave me private lessons and taught me how to fight with my fists instead of my knives.”

“And,” Theo cleared his throat. “Is there a reason you’re using it to carve into yourself?”

“Well, I’m not allowed to get angry anymore, right?” Shane said simply, almost like he was shocked that Theo was too dumb to understand. “So every time I get angry, instead of doing something about it, I just…” he dug the blade into his skin and slid it across until fresh blood welled up from the wound. “Like this.”

Theo had to hiss and turn his face away from the enticing scent of fresh blood. “Why in the world do you think self-harm is a great way to manage your anger?”

“When I get angry, I hit things. I punch until my knuckles bruise and bleed and I feel like I can’t breathe.” Shane shrugged. “So now I’m just doing the exact same thing except I’m not… being violent. Like everyone wanted.”

“This is… never what any of us wanted.” Theo shook his head. “Not in the slightest.”

“I guess you can all be happy that I’m no longer any trouble,” Shane said sarcastically, which was the most emotion Theo had heard from him the whole time, even when talking about his sister. “You can go now. Tell the other’s that I’m fine and let Oliver and Amelie know that I’m going to rot here away from any problems I may cause.” He waved his hand at the door. “See you next week.”

Taking a deep, steadying breath, Theo shifted a bit closer on the bed. Shane didn’t react. “I will do no such thing. This may surprise you Shane, but there are people who actually care about what happens to you.”

“News to me.”

Realizing that he wasn’t going to get anywhere from that particular line of conversation, Theo swapped it for one that worried him a little more. “I hope you don’t mind me saying but you seem… alarmingly distant. Nothing seems to faze you as of late. Usually, when we bring up topics such as your sister or your father and anything of the like you react with more emotion, and yet we’ve brought up both tonight and I’ve gotten nothing of the sort. You even volunteered to bring up information about your father yourself.” He glanced at the bottle of medication that was glaring out at him from the bedside table. He knew that if he looked under the bed there would be more. “It wouldn’t happen to have anything to do with that medication there, would it?”

“Huh?” Shane frowned before he followed where Theo’s eyes were looking and he reached over to pick up the bottle. Pills jingled loudly inside. “Oh, these were my dad’s and then they were mums, and Allyssa probably had some too and now they’re mine.” Shane shrugged and he spoke with that disconnected tone that worried Theo. “Mum was always sad and Allysa was scared and dad just wanted something to take when he was bored. He never let me have them because he said I never needed them.”

“May I have a look?” Theo asked politely, extending his hand. He didn’t care what Shane said- he was going to take them anyway. When Shane looked at him suspiciously and curled them to his chest he said, “I just want to see what they are and how they work. I promise I’ll give them back.”

Reluctantly, Shane handed them over. “No, you won’t. But that’s alright- I’ve got more. Dad gave me his stash the last time he came to town and some of them aren’t out of date yet.”

As Theo turned the bottle over in his fingers, he felt the rattling of the pills inside it for a moment before he forced his attention back to the label. Loxapine. Mood Stabilizers. Namely to treat the mania portion of bipolar disorder. The date claimed that they had expired a few years ago and that in itself was troubling as well as the fact that Shane had felt the need to take them at all. “Why are you taking these?”

“Well, you all told me to stop getting angry,” Shane was twirling the knife between his fingers again. Not in a dangerous or threatening way- just so he had something to fidget with. “but everything was making me angry. And then I was getting angry for getting angry and it was basically just a downward spiral and I just thought it was easier to cut out the middle man.”

“This kind of drug… does not normally dull emotions to this extent.” Theo said slowly as he watched Shane indifferently. The blood on his arm was already drying, which Theo was thankful for. “How many of these are you taking at a time?”

“Enough.”

“And… what do you feel?”

Shane closed his eyes and leant his head back against the wall. There was a faint shadow of a smile on the corners of his lips. “Nothing. And it’s _fantastic_.”

Theo ran his fingers through his hair. He was surprised to feel them shaking. “What in the world possessed you to do something so… damaging? Why would you hurt yourself in this way?”

Shrugging, Shane seemed not to care in the slightest. “Nobody cared when my sister died. Nobody cared when Amelie murdered my mother. Nobody cared when my father was turned into a vampire and his brain used as a robot to control the city. Why would anyone care that I’m locked away in here slowly making sure I never feel anything again? Besides- everyone gets what they want.”

“That’s not true at all, Shane,” Theo insisted but sighed when he realized he would be getting nowhere with him. Instead, he changed his line of questioning. “You said they were your fathers. Why did he have these and why was he giving them to your family?”

“Dad said Allysaia had too many emotions and that she acted without thinking sometimes.” Shane began. “He said that behaviour like that would only get us eaten by the vampires he was trying to kill. Mum took them because she wasn’t happy most of the time and she wanted to be useful to dad when he needed her. I never got them because he wanted me to be angry- he said it was the only thing that made me useful. He taught me how to fight and made sure I was always angry so I was always at my best. That’s why he never gave me any.”

“So your father made sure anger was your first response?” Theo said and suddenly things began to make a little more sense. “Is that why whenever you enter danger, you react with your fists instead of your words?”

“Why risk getting your neck bitten with words when you can just break the jaw of the first vampire who looks at you funny?”

As Shane was saying it, Theo realized how logical that must have sounded to a child raised with the possibility of death around every corner. Frank Collins was a bad man, one of the worst to ever live in Morganville, and that sort of behaviour was finally coming out in full force. Of course, that sort of reasoning would stick with Shane throughout his life if that was one of the first things he was taught. “I understand,” Theo tried to keep his voice even because he could feel a thick fury rising up, anger at his father and for what Shane had to go through, but he didn’t think to let it lose would be the best example to set for Shane. “But I would like you to try not to result back to these… self-destructive tendencies.”

“Whatever you say, doc,” Shane said it in a way that told Theo he wasn’t really listening.

Theo resisted a sigh. “I would also implore that you leave this room more often and confided with your friends? Maybe head downstairs and have a meal with them? I doubt they’ll judge you or even bring it up if it’s not something you’d wish to speak of. I’m sure they’ll understand.” Theo knew they would and he could hear their freighted, worried heartbeats from downstairs, talking quietly about Shane’s welfare. “Staying up here is… not good, Shane. Not good for anyone.”

Shane seemed to think about it for a moment, eyes trailing off and mouth falling shut until he eventually nodded and focused back on the knife in his hands. Theo hoped someone would take care of those scabbed-over scars on his skin. “Alright. Yeah. I’ll see.”

Assuming that was all he would get from Shane for a now, Theo bit his lip and moved to pat Shane gently on the shoulder. “I expect to see you next week for another meeting, Shane.” He said as he stood. “Please take care of yourself until then.”

Instead of answering, Shane waved a hand absently at Theo and went back to staring at the wall once he’d placed the headphones over his ears. Sighing heavily, Theo opened the door and made his way back down the stairs.

* * *

  The other residents of the Glass House were waiting in the lounge room curled up on separate couches, Eve with her knees curled up to her chest, Claire with her head pillowed on her hand and Michael playing a gentle, sad tune on his guitar.

“Do you think he’ll be joining us for dinner?” Eve asked gently, voice slightly muffled by her knees. “Or is that too much to hope for?”

“We’ll just have to see,” Michael said, still playing. “He might, depending on what Theo managed to get out of him. Do you think we should make tacos? There’s some brisket in the fridge. You know how big a deal he makes about brisket taco’s.”

“Or chilli.” Eve laughed brokenly. “He goes nuts for that stuff. We might still have some left over but even if we don’t I could make another batch.”

Claire sat silently on the couch, thinking about the poor woman glued to Shane’s walls and the blank look on his face when she walked in. She couldn’t stop thinking about the cold, vacant stare on Shane’s blank face and how that was nothing like the Shane she knew at all. “This isn’t… our fault, is it? We didn’t make this happen?”

Eve, kohl smearing down her face from her tears, shook her head frantically. “No, no Claire. This isn’t us. Maybe we’re part of the problem but we’re not _the_ problem. I think… there’s just a lot of stuff going on for him at the moment and he must have been struggling more than we thought.”

“He’s been struggling since Alyssa died and it’s only gotten worse since then,” Michael tried to focus on the feeling of the strings under his fingers and the music in his ears but the worry he felt gnawed away at his insides. “I’m known him for a really long time, we basically grew up in this town together, but Alyssa died and he left and then soon after he found his mother dead and he was forced to live with his dad. He’s… been through a lot. I’m surprised all this hasn’t happened already.”

“If I ever get my hands on Frank Collins,” Eve grumbled as she wrapped her arms around her middle and balanced her chin on her knees. “I’ll rip him to pieces and feed him to Myrien.”

“He’s a vampire now.” Michael pointed out, unhelpfully. “You wouldn’t be able to get your hands on him if you tried.”

Claire was so focused on their meaningless conversation to take her mind off of Shane that she almost didn’t see Theo walking back down the stairs. Michael must have heard him because he stopped the strumming of his guitar with a flat palm. “Is he alright?” Claire asked and hoped she managed to keep the desperation out of her voice.

Dr Theo Goldman cleared his throat before he moved over to join the others, but he didn’t sit. “It is… most troubling. His condition is one I haven’t seen in many years and it worries me what would happen if this were to go on untreated.” He produced the bottle of medication from his somewhere on his person and tossed it to Michael, who caught it in one hand and turned it over in his hands. “He’s been taking these. He claims that they were his fathers but they were used to medicate the rest of his family in much the same way he’s doing now.”

Frowning, Michael read the label with a raised eyebrow. “Loxapine? What’s that for?”

“It’s mostly used for people with bipolar disorder, and these ones specifically are used to treat the mania aspect of the illness,” Theo crossed his hands behind his back as he spoke and paced back and forth on the lounge room floor. “They are mood stabilizers- used by those who experience large bursts of violent anger and evens out their emotions. Taking a large number turns them into… mood _suppressants_.”

Eve and Claire exchanged looks from opposite sides of the room but stayed silent, content to let Michael do all the talking. “Why is he talking these? And why so many?”

“He is under the impression that if he cannot feel at all, then his anger will no longer be a problem.” Theo continued. “He believes that this is what we all wanted and refuses to believe anything to the contrary.”

Michael rubbed at his head. “Why did he have all those pictures of his sister up on his wall?”

“He blames himself for her death- more so his inability to save her. He confirmed my theory that a vast majority of his emotional problems- namely his anger- is directly related to his family.” Theo said. “And I fear that if such things are not reminded soon then they would never get better.”

Claire was about to ask about the deep, bleeding gashes in Shane’s arm but Michael bet her to it. “And the blood?”

Theo pursed his lips. “An unrecommended and extreme measure to deal with excess anger.” It was obvious that there was more he wasn’t saying but they felt like it was better not to push him. He began collecting up his coat and his wide-brimmed hat. “Well, in any case, I’d best be on my way. There are many things I’ll need to discuss and I may need to figure out a new plan of approach for the rest of his treatment.”

And then he was gone without another word, leaving the rest of the household alone and wondering what to do next. Michael, who was staring at the pill bottle in his hand in silence, threw it across the room where it collided with the wall and tiny white pills scattered across the floor. He watched them blankly as they rolled across the wooden floors without a word. It was Eve who eventually broke the tense silence with a fake laugh, scrubbing the tears from her eyes and smearing her eyeliner even more. “Well, if he’s coming down to join us, I’d better get started on dinner.”

A sob wracked through her body as Claire hunched over and wept into her hands and in an instant both Eve and Michael were by her side and were with her for the rest of the night.

**Author's Note:**

> I can't believe that I'm wasting energy on these stupid things when I can count on one hand the number of people who will read them. I'm such a fucking idiot


End file.
